THE GUYS

ISSUE SIX

 
TITLE: DEVON MUST BE MISSING…A DEVIL!

 
PAGE ONE:

 

 

1/   T.V. shaped panel. A middle aged reporter with an obvious wig is looking down camera, a mic in hand. There’s a big blaze behind him. There’s a caption reading ‘LIVE FROM NEW CHESTER’ on the bottom of the screen. It’s night time.

 

SHARP:

  THIS IS MIKE SHARP FOR CHANNEL 6, LIVE IN NEW CHESTER WITH THIS BREAKING NEWS. A FIERCE BLAZE HAS ERUPTED, ENGULFING ENTIRE BUILDINGS. SO FAR, FIRE TEAMS HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO HALT THE INFERNO BUT AS I SPEAK, A GROUP OF MIRACULOUS TEENAGERS FIGHT TO CONTROL THE FIRES.

 

 

2/ T.V. shaped panel. The camera is on EDDIE, floating a kid down from a burning window.

 

SHARP:

 ONLY MOMENTS AGO, THESE MYSTERIOUS AND COSTUMED YOUNG MEN APPEARED ON THE SCENE WITH INCREDIBLE SUPER POWERS. ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY FLYING. THIS IS..THIS IS AMAZING.

 

 

3/ Jerky camera shot of BILLY propping up a burning wall.

 

SHARP:

  HARVEY, SWING THE CAMERA AROUND TO THE OTHER ONE. THERE. AND HERE WE SEE ONE OF THE COSTUMED HEROES LITERALLY HOLDING UP A BUILDING, GIVING RESCUE TEAMS THE CHANCE TO GET CIVILIANS OUT. INCREDIBLE!

 

 

4/The camera is on CHRIS spraying ice onto the fire.

 

SHARP:

  AND HERE TO THE LEFT – PERHAPS MOST ASTONISHING OF ALL – THIS ONE, HE…HE SEEMS TO BE SPRAYING ICE FROM HIS FINGERTIPS TO STOP THE SPREAD OF FIRE. THIS IS…THIS IS AMAZING.

 

5/ Back on MIKE SHARP looking down camera.

 

SHARP:

 WHO ARE THESE MASKED HEROES WITH SUCH FANTASTIC ABILITIES?

 

 

 

PAGE TWO:   

 

 

1/ VINNIE has jumped on MIKE SHARP and roughly put his arm around his neck and grabbed the mic. SHARP is shocked as his hairpiece slides down the side of his face and he looks at VINNIE. VINNIE is grinning and looking down camera.

 

VINNIE:

  WE’RE THE HAIRCUT POLICE, MIKE, AND YOU’RE GOING DOWN FOR LIFE!

 

 

 

2/ SHARP tries to look professional and tries to straighten his toupee as he interviews VINNIE but he’s clearly flustered.

 

VINNIE 1:

  I’M ONLY KIDDING MIKE, I LOVE THE SHOW. BESIDES, I HEAR COMB OVERS ARE COMING BACK INTO FASHION.

 

SHARP:

  WHO…WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?HOW DID YOU GET THESE AMAZING POWERS?

 

 

VINNIE:

 LEMME TELL YA, POWERS AIN’T EVERYTHING MIKE. I’LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING IN JUST A – HEY, IS THIS GOING OUT LIVE?

 

 

3/   VINNIE is extremely close up to the camera and looking down the lens, grinning.

 

VINNIE:

  HEY MA! IT’S ME, I MADE IT! REMEMBER WHEN ALL MY TEACHERS SAID I’D NEVER ACHIEVE ANYTHING? WELL HOW MANY OF THEM EVER MADE COSTUMED VIGILANTE HUH? I LOVE YOU MA.

 

 

 

4/ Picture of the Earth from space. There’s a sound wave line coming from New Chester on the globe, bouncing off a satellite back down to a spot in Devon in the south of England.

 

 

CAPTION:

  INSTEAD OF A SIMPLE CUT NOW, WE CLEVERLY FOLLOW THE SIGNAL OF THE FIRST PUBLIC BROADCAST OF THE GUYS IN ACTION AS THE LIVE FOOTAGE CROSSES THE ATLANTIC TO REACH THE COUNTY OF DEVON ON ENGLAND’S SOUTH COAST, WHERE THINGS ARE AFOOT THAT WILL SOON AFFECT THE WORLD.

 

 

5/ Establishing shot of an archaeological dig. People are milling about in a large hole. There’s a T.V. with a voice balloon coming from it in the background.

 

T.V. VOICE BALLOON 1:

  HEY MIKE, THIS IS GREAT, CHANNEL 6 RULES! YOU MIND IF I  MOON THE CAMERA?

 

T.V. VOICE BALLOON 2:

 YES I…GOD, NO, DON’T DO THAT, THIS IS LIVE!!

 

CAPTION:

 DEVON HAS LONG BEEN CONSIDERED AS ONE OF THE MOST MYSTICAL SITES OF THE BRITISH ISLES.

 

CAPTION:

 HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO, CORNISH DRUIDS WOULD GATHER HERE IN THE DARK TIMES OF BRITAIN’S HISTORY. IT WAS HERE WHERE THE DRUIDS THOUGHT THE MAGICAL LEY LINES OF THE EARTH CONVERGED AND THE LAND WAS MOST POWERFUL.

 

 

PAGE THREE:

 

1/ The archaeologists are stood in the hole looking at a large stone sarcophagus with runes on the front, freshly dug up but still semi buried in the ground.

 

CAPTION:

  LOCAL ARCHAEOLOGISTS HAVE JUST UNCOVERED THE ONE THING THOSE LONG DEAD DRUIDS AND MAGICIANS OF YESTERYEAR TRIED TO KEEP FOREVER HIDDEN.

 

CAPTION:

 THEY’LL SOON WISH THEY HADN’T.

 

MAN #1:

 THIS IS INCREDIBLE – THE SARCOPHAGUS MUST BE OVER A THOUSAND YEARS OLD.

 

MAN #2:

  WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL BE INSIDE?

 

MAN #3:

 HURRY UP AND OPEN IT AND WE’LL FIND OUT.

 

2/ A bearded archaeologist holds an amulet out in front of him and delivers some handy exposition. The amulet is held by a gold chain and is shaped like a skull.

 

ARCHAEOLOGIST:

WELL GENTLEMEN, AFTER TWELEVE YEARS OF LENGTHY SEARCHING, WE’VE FINALLY FOUND THE HIDDEN SARCOPHAGUS OF THE ANCIENT ORDER OF THE DEVONSHIRE WARLOCKS. LEGEND HAS IT, THE ORDER HID SOMETHING OF SUCH IMPORTANCE WITHIN THIS SARCOPHAGUS THAT IT CAN ONLY BE OPENED BY THIS KEY.

 

 

3/ The ARCHAEOLOGIST places the skull amulet in a skull amulet shaped hole on the sarcophagus lid and turns.

 

ARCHAEOLOGIST:

THE KEY WAS SENT INTO HIDING HALFWAY ACROSS THE WORLD BY THE ORDER BUT NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A THOUSAND YEARS, THE TREASURES OF THE ANCIENTS IS OURS. PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DESTINY, MY FRIENDS.

 

 

 

4/ The lid of the coffin slides aside and a yellow light and smoke emanate from within. The ARCHAEOLOGIST looks suddenly afraid.

 

ARCHAEOLOGIST:

WAIT A SECOND. THERE’S SOMETHING…

 

SFX:

FSSSSSH

 

5/ The sarcophagus explodes in demonic flames and the lid goes flying through the air.

 

SFX:

KA-GOOM!

 

 

 

PAGE FOUR:

 

 

1/ Large panel. COUNT VYLE and THE LUMP emerge from the sarcophagus in a swirl of smoke. The charred and smoking corpse of the ARCHAEOLOGIST lies dead at their feet.

COUNT VYLE is an ancient wizard. He is quite short and thin with a black skullcap covering his head. He has a long thin moustache and beard and is dressed in red robes decorated with gold runes.

THE LUMP is pretty much just that. He is an eight foot tall, dull looking, thickly muscled ogre with green hued, lumpy skin, a furry loincloth, an overbite and a club in his hand.

 

COUNT VYLE:

  FINALLY! AFTER ALL THESE CENTURIES OF IMPRISONMENT – FREE! FREE AT LAST!!

 

 

2/ VYLE raises an archaeologist off the ground with the gesture of an outstretched arm and looks at him interestedly.

 

MAN:

  WHAT THE?!

 

VYLE:

 SILENCE, WORM. TELL ME WHAT YEAR IT BE LEST THOU FEEL A WRATH THAT HATH BEEN BUILDING FOR CENTURIES.

 

 

4/  

 

MAN:

 WHAT YEAR IT IS? I…I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

 

VYLE:

  OH, IT BE LIKE THAT BE IT? RIGHT. WORM THOU ART YET FOOD FOR A WORM THOU SHALT BE.

 

5/   VYLE fires a bolt of magical flame from his hands into the man’s face.

 

MAN:

 GYAAAH!

 

 

 

PAGE FIVE:

 

 

1/ VYLE crouches down to pick the skull amulet off the floor. He holds it in front of him and smiles.

 

VYLE: AH, THE THRICE CURSED SKELETON KEY. I SHALL HAVE TO KEEP THIS UPON MY PERSON SO THAT NOBODY MAY EVER USE IT AGAINST ME AGAIN.

 

 

 

2/ VYLE is in the foreground and he places the amulet over his head and THE LUMP follows from the background. VYLE gestures nonchalantly at two terrified archaeologists.

 

VYLE:

  LUMP, BEAT THESE PEASANTS ABOUT THE HEAD AND BODY UNTIL ONE OF THEM REVEALS WHAT YEAR IT BE.

 

THE LUMP:

  YES, COUNT VYLE.

 

3/ THE LUMP lifts the two men off the ground with ease and bangs their heads together.

 

LUMP:

  LUMP LIKES BEATING PEASANTS. IT MAKES HIM FEEL SPECIAL.

 

4/ VYLE has made roots and branches appear from the ground and is holding one of the archaeologists called KEVIN prisoner. KEVIN is held in a crucified position as the roots have wrapped around his arms and he is lifted off the ground.

 

 

KEVIN:

WHO…WHO ARE YOU?

 

VYLE 1:

  YOU HAVE THE GOOD FORTUNE OF ADDRESSING THE INFAMOUS COUNT VYLE, FOOL, MOST POWERFUL SORCEROR IN ALL BRITAIN. THE CURSE OF CORNWALL. THE DEMON OF DEVON. I HAVE LAIN IMPRISONED FOR OVER A THOUSAND YEARS AND NOW, THANKS TO THE SKELETON KEY, I AM FREE.

 

VYLE 2:

TELL ME, DOLT. WHERE LIVES THE MOST POWERFUL MAGICIAN OF THIS TIME AND WHAT BE HIS NAME? I MUST DESTROY HIM AND REGAIN MINE TITLE AS THE GREATEST SORCEROR IN THE LAND.

 

 

 

 

 

 

5/   

 

KEVIN:

  WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS SORCERORS.

 

VYLE:

  OH, THERE BE NOT BE THERE?

 

 

6/ VYLE makes a hand gesture and turns KEVIN’s ears into donkey ears.

 

VYLE:

  TELL THAT TO THY EARS.

 

 

 

PAGE SIX:

 

 

1/

 VYLE:

 COME, LUMP. LET US WALK THIS NEW WORLD AND DRINK OF ITS SECRETS. IN TRUTH, A MILLENNIA TRAPPED INSIDE A DUSTY STONE BOX HATH LEFT ME WITH A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE.

 

LUMP:

  YES, MASTER. LUMP IS ACTUALLY THIRSTY THOUGH AND MY MOUTH IS AS DRY AS THE CLEFT OF A VOLE. LUMP HUNGERS TOO AND COULD EAT THE BALLS OF A SHIRE HORSE.

 

2/ Close on VYLE looking disgusted.

 

VYLE:

  YES, THANK YOU LUMP. THAT BE MORE THAN ENOUGH INFORMATION.

 

 

3/ THE GUYS are sat on a plush couch in MAYOR MILLER’S office. MILLER is stood in front of a large t.v. with the remote in his hand. They’re all watching. On the T.V., THE GUYS – their faces dirty from the fire – are being interviewed.

 

CAPTION:

 BACK ACROSS THE ATLANTIC IN MAYOR MILLER’S OFFICE.

 

CHRIS (ON T.V.):

  FIRSTLY MIKE, LET ME JUST APOLOGISE FOR VETO’S EARLIER DISPLAY. I ASSURE YOU, HE DOESN’T REPRESENT THE WHOLE TEAM. AND IN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, WE CAN’T REVEAL WHERE OUR POWERS COME FROM OR WHO WE ARE – WE ALL HAVE FAMILIES TO PROTECT YOU SEE.

 

 

4/ Closer on MILLER still watching the T.V., remote in hand. MIKE SHARP is interviewing THE GUYS on T.V.

 

CHRIS (ON T.V.):

 BUT REST ASSURED MYSELF, THE FORCE, THE FLOATER, VETO AND MR AMAZING ARE HERE TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT AND UPHOLD JUSTICE.

 

MIKE SHARP (ON T.V.):

 THANK YOU…UH, CAPTAIN FANTASTIC.

 

BILLY (ON T.V.):

 HEY MIKE, YOU KNOW THEY DO GREAT THINGS WITH HAIRPIECES THESE DAYS. THEY CAN SEW THEM RIGHT ONTO THE SCALP.

 

 

5/ MILLER switches off the T.V. with the remote.

 

MILLER:

  GUYS, I’VE GOTTA TELL YOU – THAT WAS….

 

CHRIS:

 WAIT, MAYOR MILLER, LET ME EXPLAIN.

 

 

6/ MILLER smiles and gets animated.  

 

MILLER 1:

 …FANTASTIC! THAT WAS YOUR FIRST EVER PUBLIC APPEARANCE AND YOU NAILED IT! YOU WERE PRACTICALLY SAVING THE CITY FROM AN INFERNO. YOU PROVED YOU WERE THE GOOD GUYS AND APART FROM A LITTLE LESSON IN MEDIA SAVVY – AND VETO, I’M TALKING TO YOU – YOU CAME ACROSS AS HONEST TO GOD HEROES.

 

 

VINNIE:

  AW C’MON MAYOR MILLER, IT WAS A LITTLE LAPSE IN CONCENTRATION. I WAS OVER EXCITED.

 

MILLER 2:

  YEAH, WELL BECAUSE OF YOUR OVER EXCITEDNESS, OVER 10 MILLION AMERICANS SAW YOUR LILLY WHITE ASS. GOD KNOWS HOW MANY COUNTRIES THAT FOOTAGE HAS BEEN BROADCAST TO SINCE. YOUR CHEEKS HAVE PROBABLY BECOME WORLDWIDE CELEBRITITES.

 

 

7/

 

VINNIE (smiling):

 COOL.

    

 

MILLER:

 I MIGHT NOT HAVE MINDED SO MUCH BUT DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO SPREAD THEM?

 

 

 

PAGE SEVEN:

 

 

1/  

 

MILLER:

  BOTTOM LINE THOUGH, YOU BOYS DID GOOD OUT THERE. THE PEOPLE OF NEW YORK COULD USE SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN AND YOU ALL FIT THE BILL. NOW I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE, WHERE YOU’RE FROM OR HOW YOU GOT THESE SCREWY POWERS OF YOURS. TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I DON’T MUCH CARE ‘CAUSE YOU GUYS ARE JUST WHAT THIS CITY NEEDS. NOW LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.

 

2/  

 

MILLER:  WHAT I’M SUGGESTING HERE IS THAT YOU BOYS COME AND WORK FOR ME. EVERY TIME THERE’S A SITUATION IN THE CITY THAT THE ORDINARY FORCES CAN’T SOLVE – LIKE THAT SHIFTER GUY – WE CALL IN YOU FIVE. YOU SAVE THE DAY AND EVERYBODY’S HAPPY.

 

 

 

3/ 

 

BILLY:

 WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT’S IN IT FOR US?

 

VINNIE:

 YEAH, AT LEAST COPS GET A WAGE.

 

MILLER:

 I WONDERED HOW LONG THAT’D TAKE, SO LISTEN UP.

    

 

4/ Cut to the exterior of an olde English style pub. The sign outside says ‘THE DRUNKEN MULE’.

 

CAPTION:

WE NOTCH UP THE FREQUENT FLYER MILES NOW AS WE LEAVE THE MAYOR’S OFFICE AND RETURN TO DEVON.

 

VOICE FROM THE PUB:

  THIS IS INCREDIBLE LUMP. I HATH BEEN WITNESS TO MANY WONDERS IN MY LIFE. I HATH SEEN A HORDE OF CORNISH WITCHES DO BATTLE WITH AN ARMY OF DRAGONS IN THE SKY. I HATH SEEN A BLESSED LIGHT FROM THE HEAVENS TOUCH THE SPIRES OF STONE HENGE. BUT THIS!

 

5/  Interior of the pub. The barman and patrons are wrapped in roots, trapped and immobile. COUNT VYLE and THE LUMP are mesmerised, sat at a table with a beer watching Baywatch on the wall mounted T.V. There’s a woman in a red swimming costume running with that red floaty thing from the show and the obligatory huge hooters.

 

VYLE:

THIS BE THE GREATEST THING I HATH EVER SEEN!

 

LUMP:

 I KNOW MASTER. LUMP FEELS ALL FUNNY INSIDE WATCHING THIS.

 

VOICE FROM T.V.:

 ON NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE OF BAYWATCH – SOMEONE NEARLY DROWNS.

 

 

 

6/ VYLE is stood, looking amazed.

 

 

 

VYLE:

  THIS MITCH BUCHANAN MUST SURELY BE THE BRAVEST KNIGHT IN ALL THE LAND. HIS VERY HAIR DEFYETH NATURE ITSELF. BUT ‘TIS WIZARDS I SEEK TO REGAIN MINE TITLE, NOT MERE MORTALS WITH THE ABILITY TO LEAP FROM BOATS.

 

 

PAGE EIGHT:

 

 

1/ THE LUMP is stood looking at the T.V. that’s showing footage of THE GUYS’ fire rescue.

 

 

LUMP:

 MASTER, LOOK. PEOPLE WITH POWERS LIKE THE ONES THAT TRAPPED US.

 

 

2/ VYLE comes over and touches the screen mystified but smiling.

 

VYLE:

 INDEED, FAITHFUL LUMP. IT SEEMS I HATH FOUND THE WIZARDS OF THIS AGE. FLYING LIKE A WITCH. STRONG AS AN OGRE. TRULY, T’WOULD SEEM MY CHALLENGE HATH BEEN SET.

 

3/ VYLE goes up close to the barman being held prisoner.

 

VYLE:  NOW TELL ME. WHERE IS THIS ‘NEW CHESTER’?

 

 

4/ Back in Mayor’s office. Mid shot on MILLER.

 

CAPTION:

BACK IN THE MAYOR’S OFFICE.

 

MILLER:

SO OKAY, FOR EVERY TIME MY OFFICE CALLS YOU OUT, YOU GUYS GET WHAT WE’LL CALL A “MISSION COMMISSION”. LET’S SAY, AH, A THOUSAND DOLLARS A PIECE?

 

5/  THE GUYS jump up excitedly.

 

EDDIE:

  A THOUSAND DOLLARS?!

 

AL:

 SHIT MAN, WHERE DO WE SIGN?

 

 

 

6/

 

MILLER:

 ALL YOU BOYS GOTTA DO IS, THE NEXT TIME YOU COME TO THE RESCUE, MENTION MY NAME IN FRONT OF THE VOTING PUBLIC THEN COUNT YOUR MONEY. YOU WIN, I WIN AND THE PUBLIC WINS.

 

 

7/ Close on CHRIS smiling.

 

 

 

CHRIS:

 MAYOR MILLER, I THINK I SPEAK FOR US ALL WHEN I SAY YOU’VE GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.

 

 

PAGE NINE:

 

 

1/ Mid shot. A MOTHER and her KID are sitting in the seats of a plane. The MOTHER hands the KID a can of lemonade.

 

 

CAPTION:

 ABOARD FLIGHT 137A FROM LONDON TO NEW CHESTER, HIGH ABOVE THE ATLANTIC

 

KID 1:

HOW LONG UNTIL WE GET THERE MUM?

 

MOTHER:

 NOT LONG NOW, SWEETHEART. HERE, HAVE YOUR DRINK.

 

KID 2:

BUT I’M SO BORED. I WISH SOMETHING INTERESTING WOULD…

 

2/ Close on the KID who’s gone slack jawed as he looks out of the plane window. Sitting perched on the end of the wing, his legs dangling casually over the side, is COUNT VYLE.

 

KID:(small)

…happen.

 

 

3/ Back to a mid shot of the MOTHER and KID. He’s pulling on her arm excitedly.

 

KID:

MUM, MUM, LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW! I’VE JUST SEEN A MAN SITTING ON THE WING OF THE PLANE!

 

MOTHER:

WHAT? DON’T BE SO SILLY, WILLIAM.

 

4/ The MOTHER looks out of the window as the KID points but there’s nothing there except the wing of the plane.

 

MOTHER 1:

SEE, THERE’S NOTHING THERE. NOW STOP TELLING LIES OR YOUR TONGUE WILL FALL OUT.

 

KID:

 BUT MUM, HE WAS THERE, HONESTLY. HE HAD A BEARD AND HE WAS JUST SITTING THERE.

 

MOTHER 2:

 STOP MAKING UP THESE RIDICULOUS LIES, WILLIAM AND JUST BEHAVE YOURSELF.

 

 

5/ Back to a close up on the KID looking at the wing. He takes a swig of his lemonade.

 

KID: (thinks)

I’M SURE I SAW SOMEONE OUT THERE.

 

 

6/ The KID spits his drink everywhere in surprise as THE LUMP’S face appears at the window, smiling.

 

KID:

PSSSSH!

 

 

 

PAGE TEN:

 

 

1/ THE GUYS are sitting in their yard, drinking and smoking.

 

EDDIE:

 SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DO WITH YOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS?

 

CHRIS:

I’LL PROBABLY OPEN A SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND MAYBE TRY AND INVEST SOME OF IT WISELY.

 

BILLY:

YEAH, YOU DO THAT CHRIS. ME, I’M GOING TO THE NEAREST CASINO AND PUT A THOUSAND BUCKS ON RED.

 

 

2/ VINNIE is cleaning gun, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

 

VINNIE:

YOU GUYS ARE LUCKY. AS SOON AS WE GET PAID, I’VE GOTTA PAY CARLOS BACK FOR ALL THIS ORDNANCE.

 

 

3/

 

AL:

LISTEN GUYS, NOW MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO TELL YOU. I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT AND I DON’T THINK I’M GOING TO BE ABLE TO JOIN IN WITH ALL THIS.

 

BILLY:

WHAT? WHY THE FUCK NOT? IS THIS ‘CAUSE OF THE WHOLE LACK OF SUPER POWERS SHIT?

 

 

4/

 

AL:

OF COURSE IT IS, BILLY. IT’S EASY FOR YOU WHEN YOU’RE BULLETPROOF MAN BUT LOOK, IT’S BEEN FUN UP UNTIL NOW BUT LET’S FACE IT, NOT ONLY AM I HOLDING YOU GUYS BACK BUT I’M A LIABILITY OUT THERE. WITHOUT ANY POWERS, I’M JUST  AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN.

 

 

5/

 

CHRIS:

WELL LOOK, VINNIE DOESN’T HAVE ANY SUPER POWERS AND IT’S NOT STOPPING HIM.

 

AL:

YEAH, BUT VINNIE’S A STONE COLD PSYCHO WITH A MILE LONG MEAN STREAK AND A HAIR TRIGGER. NO OFFENCE, VIN.

 

 

6/ VINNIE doesn’t even look up. He just carries on casually laying hand grenades on the table in front of him, the cigarette still dangling from his mouth.

 

VINNIE:

NONE TAKEN.

 

 

 

PAGE ELEVEN:

 

 

1/

 

EDDIE:

COULDN’T YOU, I DON’T KNOW, GET YOURSELF A UTILITY BELT OR SOMETHING?

 

AL:

SURE, ED. NO PROBLEM. YOU WANT ME TO USE AMAZON OR EBAY FOR THAT?

 

2/

 

CHRIS:

BUT AL, WITHOUT YOU, WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED AGAINST MIND-O. THAT GUY HAD US ALL UNDER HIS CONTROL.

 

AL:

YEAH BUT LET’S FACE IT, CHRIS, THAT WAS JUST A LUCKY KICK TO THE NUTS.

 

3/

 

AL and CHRIS continue to talk as a phone rings on the table

 

AL:

LOOK GUYS, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A PITY PARTY OR SYMPATHY, IT’S JUST FACTS. I CAN’T ADD ANYTHING TO THE TEAM IS ALL.

 

CHRIS:

THAT’S NOT TRUE, AL, YOU JUST…HOLD ON, THE MAYOR’S PHONE IS RINGING.

 

SFX:

BRRING BRRING

 

 

4/ Close on CHRIS as he speaks into the mobile.

 

CHRIS:

HELLO?

 

VOICE FROM PHONE:

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, CAPTAIN FANTASTIC? WHAT THE FUCK AM I PAYING YOU FOR?

 

CHRIS:

EXCUSE ME, MAYOR MILLER, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

 

 

5/

 

VOICE FROM PHONE:

YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LOOK AT THE SKY, YOU COSTUMED IDIOT. SOME LUNATIC HAS TAKEN OVER THE CITY AND WE CAN’T GET IN!

 

CHRIS:

TAKEN OVER THE CITY?

 

VOICE FROM PHONE:

YOU GUYS NEED TO SUIT UP AND GET DOWN THERE TO HELP OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

 

 

6/ THE GUYS stand up and look over the fence of their yard. In the distance, the city scape is on the horizon. It’s a clear blue sky but above the city,

 

BILLY:

 WHAT IS IT CHRIS?

 

CHRIS:

 I’M NOT SURE. MAYOR MILLER SAID THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG IN THE CITY.

 

7/ Close on CHRIS looking astonished.

 

CHRIS:

 (small) woah.

 

 

 

PAGE TWELVE:

 

1/ Wide panel. A bunch of cops are standing before a huge root that surrounds the city centre, scratching their heads and looking perplexed. The root is gnarled and covered in spikes and stands about thirty feet high.

 

 

COP 1:

SO, UH, ANYONE GOT A THIRTY FOOT CHAINSAW HANDY?

 

COP 2:

I SWEAR, TWENTY YEARS ON THE FORCE AND THIS IS THE WEIRDEST GODDAM THING I’VE EVER SEEN.

 

 

2/ The cops turn to look behind them and see THE GUYS arriving in full costume. CHRIS, BILLY and AL arrive on an ice slide that CHRIS is making, the ice blasting from his hands. EDDIE is flying beside them.

 

BILLY:

AFTERNOON, BOYS. THE CAVALRY’S HERE.

 

COP 2:

SCRATCH THAT. MAKE IT THE SECOND WEIRDEST THING.

 

3/ CHRIS talks to COP 1.

 

COP 1:

I TAKE IT YOU GUYS ARE THE SPECIAL RELIEF THE MAYOR TOLD US TO EXPECT.

 

CHRIS:

YES SIR, WE’RE THE GUYS AND WE’RE HERE TO HELP IN ANY WAY WE CAN. WHAT’S THE SITUATION HERE?

 

COP 1:

THE SITUATION IS A GIGANTIC FRIGGING ROOT IS SURROUNDING THE CITY AND WE CAN’T GET THROUGH. OUR BULLETS ARE JUST BOUNCING OFF THIS THING.

 

4/

 

COP 1:

SO WHAT IS IT YOU THINK YOU CAN DO HERE, AH…

 

CHRIS:

CAPTAIN FANTASTIC.

 

COP 1:

RIGHT, RIGHT, CAPTAIN FANTASTIC. (small) ‘cause that’s normal.

 

 

CHRIS:

STAND BACK OFFICER AND WE’LL SHOW YOU.

 

 

5/ CHRIS creates an ice platform and VINNIE and AL hop on. EDDIE is still floating.

 

CHRIS:

VETO, COLONEL INCREDIBLE, YOU TWO COME WITH ME AND WE’LL BREACH THE ROOT ON AN ICE PLATFORM. FLOATER, YOU FLY OVER WITH US. FORCE, SEE IF YOU CAN SMASH YOUR WAY THROUGH.

 

EDDIE:

YOU GOT IT, CAP.

 

AL: (small)

Man, I wish he’d stop calling me Colonel Incredible.

 

 

6/ In the background, the four guys head off over the root. COP 1 talks to BILLY in the foreground.

 

COP 1:

FORGET IT, KID. THIS ROOT HAS BEEN SHRUGGING OFF BULLETS FOR THE LAST HOUR.

 

 

PAGE THIRTEEN:

 

 

1/ BILLY punches the root and it explodes in thorny shrapnel.

 

SFX:

WHAM!

 

 

2/ Over the other side of the root in the city, the four guys have landed and are surveying the situation.

 

CHRIS:

OKAY, WE’RE THROUGH. LET’S SEE WHAT WE’RE DEALING WITH HERE.

 

AL:

YEAH, BUT WHERE’S BILL? MAYBE HE COULDN’T SMASH THROUGH THIS THING.

 

 

3/ THE GUYS jump back as BILLY punches through the root, shards flying.

 

VINNIE:

WOAH!

 

EDDIE:

SHIT!

 

 

4/ BILLY dusts himself off and looks back as the hole he made in the root closes behind him.

 

BILLY:

MAN, THAT WAS HAIRY. FUCKING THING STARTED SEALING ITSELF UP BEHIND ME. I HAD TO JUST SMASH MY WAY THROUGH.

 

CHRIS:

GOOD GOING, FORCE.

 

 

5/ AL examines a group of people who have been frozen solid. They’re stone-like statues.

 

AL:

HEY GUYS, LOOK OVER HERE. THESE PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THEY’VE BEEN TURNED INTO STATUES.

 

 

6/ CHRIS joins him to touch one of the frozen statues.

 

CHRIS:

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE? WHO DID THIS TO THESE PEOPLE?

 

VOICE FROM OFF:

MASTER, COME QUICK. LUMP HATH FOUND THEM.

 

 

 

 

PAGE FOURTEEN:

 

 

1/ THE LUMP appears, club in hand and smiling.

 

LUMP:

HELLO. MY MASTER SAYS I AM TO BEAT YOU ALL INTO A JELLY. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

 

 

 

 

2/ AL looks shocked but BILLY strides forward, fists clenched.

 

AL:

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

 

BILLY:

DON’T MATTER. I’M GOING TO KNOCK IT BACK TO JIM HENSON’S WORKSHOP.

 

 

3/ BILLY hits THE LUMP with a right hook.

 

SFX:

WAKAM!

 

 

4/ THE LUMP is knocked off his feet but is sat up, blood running from his nose. He smiles at the sight of his own blood on his hand.

 

LUMP:

LUMP ACTUALLY FELT THAT. IT…IT HATH BEEN CENTURIES SINCE LUMP ACTUALLY FELT ANYTHING. THIS IS WONDERFUL.

 

 

5/ THE LUMP smacks BILLY with his club like he’s hitting a home run.

 

LUMP:

BUT NOW IT BE MY TURN.

 

SFX:

WHACK!

 

 

6/ BILLY smashes into a building like a bullet.

 

SFX:

CRAAASH!

 

 

 

PAGE FIFTEEN

 

 

1/ AL rushes over to give BILLY a hand out of the rubble of the ruined building.

 

AL:

BILLY, MAN, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

BILLY:

I’M FINE, HE JUST CAUGHT ME BY SURPRISE IS ALL. YOU GUYS GO AHEAD AND TRY AND FIND THIS ‘MASTER’ AND LEAVE THIS LORD OF THE RINGS REJECT TO ME.

 

 

2/ BILLY charges at THE LUMP.

 

BILLY:

OKAY, YOU UGLY SHIT EATER, IT’S TIME FOR ROUND TWO.

 

LUMP:

EXCELLENT. ALTHOUGH I KNOW NOT TO WHOM YOU’VE BEEN SPEAKING. LUMP HATH NOT EATEN SHIT IN AGES.

 

 

3/ The 4 guys run into the city.

 

EDDIE:

ARE YOU SURE WE SHOULD LEAVE BILLY TO DEAL WITH THAT THING ON HIS OWN?

 

VINNIE:

BILLY’S A BIG BOY, ED. IF HE CAN’T DEAL WITH HIM, WHAT CAN WE DO?

 

CHRIS:

VINNIE’S RIGHT. THAT MONSTER WAS CLEARLY JUST MUSCLE AND HE CALLED FOR HIS MASTER. I BET THAT’S THE GUY WHO’S BEHIND ALL THIS.

 

 

4/ The floor beneath them starts to rumble, knocking them off their feet.

 

AL:

HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON?

 

CHRIS:

THE GROUND’S STARTING TO SHAKE.

 

SFX:

 KRRRUMBLE.

 

 

5/ Big panel. The ground suddenly explodes, sending the guys flying. COUNT VYLE emerges from underground in a hail of smoke and light.

 

VYLE:

BEHOLD, FELLOW SORCERORS, THE EVIL MAJESTY OF COUNT VYLE!

 

PAGE SIXTEEN:

 

 

1/ VINNIE fires both guns.

 

VINNIE:

BEHOLD, ASSHOLE, THE .45S OF VINNIE SANDRINI.

 

SFX:

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

 

 

2/ VYLE waves a hand and the bullets turn into butterflies before him.

 

 

VYLE:

 AMAZING. A HAIL OF MINIATURE ARROWS. BUT COUNT VYLE IS NOT TO BE FELLED BY SUCH PITTANCES.

 

 

3/ VYLE holds out a glowing hand and roots erupt from the ground and wrap around VINNIE, trapping him in a crucifix position.

 

VYLE:

NOW ALLOW ME TO RETORT, YOUNG WARLOCK.

 

VINNIE:

HEY, WHAT THE FUCK?!

 

 

4/ CHRIS, AL and EDDIE look at each other with the realisation that they might have bitten off more than they can chew.

 

EDDIE:

HOLY CRAP.

 

AL:

IS IT TOO LATE TO ASK MAYOR MILLER FOR A RAISE?

 

 

5/ Cut to MAYOR MILLER in his office. He’s animatedly talking on the phone.

 

CAPTION:

SPEAKING OF WHOM, LET’S LEAVE THE GUYS FOR A MOMENT AND JOIN MAYOR MILLER AS HE TRIES TO DEAL WITH THE EVENTS IN HIS CITY.

 

 

MILLER:

I COULDN’T GIVE TWO SQUIRTS FROM A SCABBY MONKEY’S DICK HOW UNDERMANNED THEY ARE, IF THE NATIONAL GUARD DON’T GET DOWN THERE IN THE NEXT HOUR, I’LL MAKE SURE THEY SPEND THE NEXT TWELVE MONTHS BUILDING ORPHANAGES IN OUTER FUCKING MONGOLIA!!

 

 

6/ MILLER slams the phone down. An aide comes up to him with a mobile in his hand.

 

MILLER:

BUNCH OF USELESS, JUMPED UP GOAT FUCKERS.

 

 

AIDE:

UH, MAYOR MILLER, SORRY TO INTERRUPT BUT I THINK YOU’RE GOING TO WANT TO TAKE THIS CALL.

 

MILLER:

GODDAMIT ANDREWS, DON’T COCK TEASE ME, WHO IS IT?

 

AIDE:

IT’S SOMEBODY WHO SAYS THEY CAN HELP OUR UNIQUE SITUATION.

 

 

 

PAGE SEVENTEEN

 

 

1/ Close on MILLER talking into the mobile phone.

 

MILLER:

HELLO? WHO IS THIS?

 

VOICE FROM PHONE:

MY NAME IS KEVIN WESTON. I’M AN ARCHAEOLOGIST FROM DEVON, ENGLAND. I BELIEVE YOU’RE HAVING SOME TROUBLE IN YOUR CITY.

 

MILLER:

IF YOU CALL A THIRTY FOOT WALL OF INDESTRUCTIBLE FUCKING ROOTS SURROUNDING MY CITY THEN YEAH, I GOT SOME TROUBLE.

 

 

2/ Close on MILLER on the phone.

 

 

 

 

VOICE:

 YES, AH, WELL I BELIEVE I MAY BE OF SOME ASSISTANCE. YOU SEE, MY TEAM AND I WERE ON AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG OF SOME IMPORTANCE AND…

 

MILLER:

JUST GET TO THE POINT, COLIN FIRTH.

 

VOICE:

RIGHT, YES, WELL, THE MAN YOU ARE DEALING WITH CALLS HIMSELF COUNT VYLE. HE ESCAPED FROM A SEALED SARCOPHAGUS WITH WHAT APPEARED TO BE AN OGRE AND DECIMATED MY TEAM AND I USING WHAT I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS, UM, MAGIC.

 

 

3/ MILLER explodes.

 

MILLER:

MAGIC?! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT SIEGFRIED AND ROY HAVE TAKEN OVER MY CITY USING MAGIC?

 

VOICE:

I DON’T QUITE KNOW WHO THAT IS BUT ESSENTIALLY, YES. HOWEVER, I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS. FROM WHAT I HEARD THE WIZARD SAY AND FROM TRANSLATING THE RUNES ON THE SARCOPHAGUS, I CAN TELL YOU THE ONLY WAY TO TRAP HIM BACK IN HIS STONE PRISON IS TO DESTROY THE SKELETON KEY.

 

 

4/

 

MILLER:

NOW WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. SO WHERE IS THIS SKELETON KEY, MIGHT I ASK?

 

VOICE:

IT’S, AH, WELL…IT’S ABOUT THE WIZARD’S NECK.

 

 

 

5/ Cut to KEVIN from page 5. He’s holding a phone and wincing as the mayor’s voice explodes from the other end. KEVIN still has donkey’s ears.

 

VOICE:

WHAT??! AND HOW IN THE HOLY HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET IT FROM AROUND HIS NECK YOU FUCKING LIMEY ASSHOLE?!?!

 

KEVIN:

PLEASE DON’T SHOUT. MY HEARING IS INCREDIBLY SENSITIVE.

 

PAGE EIGHTEEN:

 

 

1/ Back at the fight. EDDIE is flying and charging, his arms outstretched, towards COUNT VYLE.

 

CAPTION:

BACK AT THE FIGHT.

 

EDDIE:

GRAAAH!

 

VYLE:

INTERESTING. THOU MUST BE A WHITE WITCH OF SOME POWER TO BE FLYING WITHOUT THE AID OF STICK OR BROOM.

 

 

2/ COUNT VYLE takes to the air, his hands crackling with eldritch energy.

 

VYLE:

YET TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME.

 

 

3/ Up in the sky, VYLE is firing blasts from his hands at EDDIE who has to twist awkwardly in the air to avoid them.

 

VYLE:

THOU ART AS SUPPLE IN THE AIR AS A WINGED HOG, MY FRIEND. ‘TIS SURELY ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE MY MAGIC STRIKES THEE.

 

EDDIE:

UNNH.

 

 

4/ EDDIE gets hit by a lightning bolt, his hair standing on end.

 

EDDIE:

GZZZZ!

 

 

5/ Shot from ground level. CHRIS and AL are looking up to see EDDIE falling from the sky in the distance.

 

AL:

CHRIS, QUICK! YOU’VE GOTTA CATCH EDDIE.

 

 

CHRIS:

I SEE HIM.

 

 

6/ CHRIS catches the falling EDDIE on an ice slide in the background. AL pulls the mayor’s phone from his pocket in the foreground.

 

SFX:

BRRNG BRRNG

 

AL:

THANK GOD, THE MAYOR’S HOTLINE. HOPEFULLY HE’S CALLING TO TELL US HE’S ORDERED A FUCKING AIR STRIKE.

 

 

 

PAGE NINETEEN:

 

 

1/ Tight on AL on the phone.

 

AL:

HELLO?

 

VOICE:

YEAH, IT’S MAYOR MILLER. WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

 

AL:

UM, COLONEL INCREDIBLE, SIR.

 

VOICE:

WELL LISTEN UP, KID, ‘CAUSE IF YOU DO WHAT I TELL YOU, I’LL MAKE YOU A GODDAM GENERAL.

 

 

2/ CHRIS is tending to the unconscious EDDIE who’s lying at the bottom of an ice slide in the foreground. VYLE confidently floats to the ground behind them.

 

CHRIS:

YOU MONSTER! IF YOU’VE HURT HIM, I’LL…

 

VYLE:

THREATEN ME NOT, BOY. THOU HAST NO IDEA TO WHOM THY SPEAK.

 

 

3/ CHRIS blasts fire from his hands but VYLE makes the flames shoot harmlessly upwards as they approach him.

 

CHRIS:

SPEAK TO THIS, ASSHOLE.

 

VYLE:

T’WOULD SEEM THOU ART AN ELEMENTAL OF SOME POWER, MY LAD.

 

 

4/ VYLE forms a giant concrete fist from the street and it shoots up to punch CHRIS on the jaw, knocking him out cold.

 

VYLE:

YET FIRE AND ICE SHALL EVER GIVE WAY TO THE EARTH.

 

 

CHRIS:

UNGH!

 

 

5/ VYLE stands over CHRIS’ unconscious body and pulls his best super villain victory stance.

 

VYLE: AND THUS DOES COUNT VYLE RECLAIM HIS TITLE AS SORCEROR KING. ARE THERE NONE IN THIS NEW AND WONDEROUS ERA WHO MIGHT CHALLENGE ME?

 

 

 

PAGE TWENTY:

 

 

1/ Long shot of BILLY. He’s bruised, battered and bloodied but he’s dragging the semi-conscious body of THE LUMP behind him.

 

BILLY:

THOUGH I MIGHT…GIVE IT A SHOT…DICK HEAD.

 

 

2/ Close on VYLE, one eyebrow raised – he’s mildly impressed.

 

VYLE:

MY CONGRATULATIONS, YOUNG WARRIOR. THE LUMP HATH NEVER BEFORE BEEN BESTED IN COMBAT.

 

 

3/ Close on THE LUMP’s battered but grinning face.

 

LUMP:

APOLOGIES MASTER BUT HE BEAT ME LIKE A LEPER’S DRUM. ALTHOUGH IN TRUTH, THIS HATH BEEN THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

 

 

4/ BILLY approaches VYLE angrily. VYLE isn’t fazed – he just reaches into a pouch on his waist.

 

BILLY:

AND NOW I’M GONNA BEAT YOU BACK TO WHENEVER THE FUCK IT WAS THAT SHAKESPEARE WAS ALIVE.

 

VYLE:

AH, THE OVER CONFIDENCE OF THE WARRIOR. ALWAYS SO SURE OF THEIR MIGHT.

5/ VYLE blows a handful of dust into BILLY’s blinking face.

 

VYLE:

YET EVEN THE STRONGEST MAN CAN BE FELLED BY THE SMALLEST AMOUNT OF FAIRY DUST.

 

BILLY:

WHAT THE?!

 

 

6/ BILLY falls to the floor, asleep. The tail of his word balloon follows him down.

 

BILLY:

OH, YOU SNEAKY PRIIIiiick.

 

 

 

PAGE TWENTY ONE:

 

 

1/ VYLE walks up to AL, gloating. AL stands powerless but defiant.

 

VYLE:

AND THUS, ALL THAT REMAINS IS THE SLAVE.

 

AL:

WHAT?! SLAVE!? WOW, A RACIST AS WELL AS A DOUCHEBAG.

 

 

2/ VYLE turns his back and walks away and calls AL after him.

 

VYLE:

I KNOW NOT THE TERMS THOU USE, DARK ONE. YET IN MY INFINITE MERCY, I SHALL ALLOW THEE TO LIVE SO THAT THOU MAY SPREAD WORD OF MY POWER.

 

AL:

YEAH, I’LL SPREADETH THE WORD, PAL. AND THE WORD IS THOU HAST THE FACIAL HAIR OF THY GRANDMOTHER.

 

 

3/ Close on VYLE looking over his shoulder angrily.

 

VYLE:

THOU HAST DONE IT NOW, BOY.

 

 

4/ VYLE fires a ball of eldritch flame that totally engulfs AL.

 

VYLE:

BURN FOR THY INSOLENCE.

 

AL:

AAAAH!

 

 

5/ AL looks down at his upturned palms in disbelief – he’s totally unharmed.

 

AL:

WOAH. I’M…I’M OKAY.

 

 

6/ A determined look comes over AL as he strides towards VYLE.

 

AL:

MY TURN.

 

 

6/ VYLE shoots a bolt of energy at AL which bounces off his newly acquired force field.

 

VYLE:

I THINK NOT.

 

VYLE:

WHAT…WHAT WIZARDRY IS THIS? THAT BLAST SHOULD HAVE REDUCED THEE TO CINDERS.

 

 

 

PAGE TWENTY TWO:

 

 

1/ AL has reached VYLE now and squares up to him. VYLE looks really shocked – his magic has never failed him before.

 

VYLE:

I…I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY MAGIC?

 

AL:

IT OBVIOUSLY DOESN’T WORK AGAINST BLACK GUYS.

 

 

2/ AL reaches out, grabs the skeleton key from around VYLE’s neck and crushes it in his hand.

 

AL:

SO SAY GOODNIGHT, YOU RACIST COCK SUCKER.

 

VYLE:

WHAT – NO! THE SKELETON KEY, DO NOT…

 

 

3/ VYLE’S corporeal form is instantly dissipated and his spirit form shoots away screaming into the sky.

 

VYLE:

NOOOOOOooo.

 

 

4/ COUNT VYLE and THE LUMP’s spirit forms are sucked back into the sarcophagus as the lid slams shut like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

 

CAPTION:

WITH THE SKELETON KEY DESTROYED, COUNT VYLE AND THE LUMP’S SPIRIT FORMS ARE ONCE AGAIN IMPRISONED.

 

 

5/ AL looks down at himself, wondering quite what his new powers are.

 

VOICE FROM OFF:

WOW, THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME, MAN! SO YOU FINALLY GOT POWERS THEN HUH?

 

AL:

UH, YEAH, I GUESS SO. SOME KIND OF FORCE FIELD OR SOMETHING I THINK.

 

 

6/ AL helps VINNIE down from his crucifix thorns position.

 

VINNIE:

THAT’S GREAT, MAN. NOW COULD YOU HELP ME DOWN FROM HERE? THERE’S, LIKE, FIFTEEN FUCKING THORNS IN MY ASS.

 

AL:

JEEZ, THIS HAS GOTTA BE THE TOUGHEST THOUSAND DOLLARS I’VE EVER EARNED.

 

 

THE END

ISSUE 6 SCRIPT: DEVON MUST BE MISSING...A DEVIL!